Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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