ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
