i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
