Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Is this like a preordered booty call?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
