People in love make me want to vomit
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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