I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
