Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
