Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she told me i tasted like america
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
