this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
