new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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