Swine flu. Run for my life!
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
