You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
