totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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