just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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