I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We're too hungover to prance.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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