After last night, I could never be a politician.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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