spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
