I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
