found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
