maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
