just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I can't turn off my feet"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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