I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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