my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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