so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you will always have a special place in my vag
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
