I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
