My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
