There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
