I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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