Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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