I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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