We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
