We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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