News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
