i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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