is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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