Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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