why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
