i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
