yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
