WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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