12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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