I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
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I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
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The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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