What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
