I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
