This is not my ceiling
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
