i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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