The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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