So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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