I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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