For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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