I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
