please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
