It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
