I accidentally had phone sex last night
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
